Breathe for your child
In “RabRab and the big angry feelings,” RabRab takes a deep breath in and then breathes out very slowly. Doing this helps make his big feelings the right size. However, we have all experienced the times when our child’s emotions are SO out of control that they don’t even want to breathe. They are crying so hard that they breathing comes in loud little spurts of air in and out. Their sympathetic nervous system is in high gear. They need someone to help calm them down.
The way in which we breathe is so important. As I learned from Dr. Robyn Tiger (The Stress Free MD), the inhale activates our body. The exhale soothes our body. The exhale is where the parasympathetic nervous system kicks into gear. The parasympathetic nervous system is what allows us to rest and calm down. So, simply breathing deeply is not good enough. The long exhale is the most important part.
What do you do when your child can’t even calm themselves enough to try?
This is what works for me: recognize their big feelings. If they don’t have words, give them words to name the feelings. Reassure that you understand their feelings, and give them more words about why they’re feeling that way. Explain the feelings won’t last forever.
And here comes the best part:
My two-year-old was recently SO MAD at her brother. The infraction? He had gotten her the water she wanted when she actually wanted to get the water herself. She was crying so hard that she was having that hiccup-y breathing we all know and dread. I invited her onto my lap for help with her big feelings. I wrapped my arms around her and told her we should breathe in deeply and out slowly. She did NOT want to. I told her I would do it for her. After 2 or 3 breaths I could feel the tension leaving my own body. My shoulder sunk down farther away from my ears. My arms relaxed. My heart rate slowed. She kept crying, but I could tell she was feeling the physiological changes in my body. Finally, after 5 or 6 slow breaths, she copied me. It just took one time. The tension left her body. The ear-piercing wails stopped. She held still for a moment, experiencing the calm. Then, she threw her arm behind her and around me neck. She turned her face to nuzzle into my cheek. And she squeezed tightly. I could feel the relief and gratitude. “Thank you” she was saying.
If your child can’t do the breathing technique on their own, invite them onto your lap while you do it for them. You will be surprised how calm you become, and that calm can start to rub off onto them. They need us to be able to do it too!
